Horrorscopes

Aries, March 21- April 19

Bear market, Saturn rotating, all the signs agree. The time has come to invest in pork belly futures.

Cow, April 20 - May 20

Avoid Japan and her allies. Feed only by night.

Gemini, May 21 - June 20

Be careful! Around the 27th, a stealth animal will attempt to urinate on your right leg. Do not anger him.

Cancer, June 21 - July 22

Weekend of the 15th: enjoy the concept of a bottle of red wine.

Leo, July 23 - August 22

Let shame be your delta-v. It's a man's way of getting around.

Virgo, August 23 - September 22

Fleet Foxes have released an album of music. You will order it. Delivery will take a while, although not unfairly so. The joy of anticipation will prove to be more worthwhile than the actual music.

Libra, September 23 - October 22

Expect a fair amount of sunshine. This will make you feel increasingly masculine. Still, you'd do well to remember that beauty is on the outside.

--FIN--